Recession Bites

WORDS: ANITA KERR CONWAY

It’s official — we’re on a rollercoaster to economic oblivion, there’s no one in the driving seat and we’ve ne’er a penny between us for a last ceremonial fag. Taxes, levies and pay cuts are all the rage these days, but when those little work perks (the very fabric of Irish society) start to vaporise you really know the country’s screwed.

I popped into the loo at work the other day for a bit of ‘thinking time’. No better place to ponder your next business strategy (or have a little dream about the guy behind the counter of the fruit and veg shop). Stretching out to tug off a sheet of the usual aloe vera coated, chinchilla soft, 20 ply toilet tissue, my outstretched hand recoiled as I grabbed what could only be described as baking parchment. My bottom had not been subjected to such indignity since about 1974, when school regulation toilet paper of a similar quality took a good five minutes of frantic scrunching to attain some sort of decent absorbency.

As recession reality bites, few areas in our offices have managed to escape the hand of ‘product replacement’. Those scurrulous ‘me toos’ have flooded the market, hoodwinking us with their packaging that looks uncannily like the real thing. Let’s face it, whether you’re a Barry’s drinker or a Lyons lover, you’ll agree that this country was built on a decent cup of scald. After supping something akin to woodchips the other day in a meeting, it transpired that our much loved Irish brand of choice had been replaced by an imposter. O’Gradys fine blend or some such quality leaves, if my memory serves me correctly. A closer inspection revealed a decidedly European origin, if you get my drift.

And as if that weren’t enough, there’s now just a dusty void where the Nespresso Machine used to reside. Admittedly this is no bad thing — we were all high as kites after doing the dog on the old ristretto blend. It certainly packs a punch, particularly when you’ve hoovered 10 cups of the stuff before 9am.

Read more about Recession Bites in the June 2009 issue of WMB, on newsstands now.